Cracking My iPhone Screen Taught Me This
Barely half a millisecond later, it hit the floor. I picked it up hoping this was not the time the screen cracked. But of course it was. And on concrete. I completely shattered my entire screen and half the screen had vertical black and colored lines and my phone couldn’t read my finger as I tried to swipe in panic.
Fortunately, I work close to the Mall, where there was iPhone Repair Kiosk. The guy told me it would cost X but it would take 2-3 hours as they didn’t have the screen. Uh, I don’t have that time. He then tells me I can come back pick it up tonight. Sketch much? So I tell him I’m going somewhere else and walk down the block to a different Mall and got my screen fixed at a different kiosk.
While I was waiting for my phone, I went to the food court to grab lunch and had some time to just be with myself and worked on mindfulness. I thought about those times I’ve tried to meditate and I started noticing the sounds, smells, and sights around me. This guy somewhere behind me was talking loudly in Spanish. Then I found myself staring at the floor tiles and thinking, why aren’t these tiles all the same? OCD much? Then I found myself comparing my ankle joints’ range of motions. In my periphery, I saw this woman looking at me oddly and I laughed internally.
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It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness with no way to justify it - so I try to listen to sad music in an attempt to force cry. While I’m crying, I tend to think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is.”
But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Or so I thought. Maybe initially, after the passing of my grandfather and remembering 2 other death anniversaries within weeks of each other. I should feel this way or that way right? I grew tired of standing around feeling sorry for myself quickly. "That will do, but let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away. I tried to force myself to not be sad.
When I couldn't force myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a desperate attempt to regain some power, I looked to shame as some sort of a tool. Everyone deals with something. Some people have it worst. Stop complaining. Stop feeling sad.
The self-loathing and shame - I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions. I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. I felt like a cloud drifting around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.
I've always wanted to not give a crap. While crying endlessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often dream that maybe someday I could be one of those amazing people who weren’t afraid of things. And that finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left.
Random spurts of emptiness or sadness will come on and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. The last time this happened was very recently and while I was at work. But like I’ve been doing for the past year after year after year, I kept my composure and carried on as if nothing was affecting me. After some time, I tried to reflect on my thoughts and feelings, hoping they’d exist and I could find them somewhere deep within myself.
When I reflected back, there were two happy moments of my collegiate experience. The first was coming back after my ACL injury and throwing a PR and claiming fifth on Cal's all time top 10 list for Javelin. The second was competing at Conference Championships at UCLA the same day as graduation. Competing then rushing to the airport and running up the stairs to meet the rest of my friends and classmates is something I’ll probably never experience again. Luckily, I made it just in time for to walk with them inside.
That represented the true student-athlete life in my opinion. Accomplishing both in the same day and graduating from the #1 public university in 4 years with my GPA above a 3.0. My GPA might’ve been better if I prioritized my studies and time better, but it was all a learning experience. But then again, I see others who graduated from Cal as athletes and had better GPA’s etc., but I shouldn't compare myself. It’s that inner critic and perfectionist that constantly nags at me. I think since I was a kid, it was always be better. Do more. So and so is accomplishing this or that.
Looking now, I am happy and feel accomplished in this sense. However, I find myself always comparing myself and/or wanting more. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to want more, but I am still working on not comparing myself to others. My life is my life. Her life is her life. His life is his life. What will comparing do for me? It will only make things more difficult for me. Cheers to keeping my head high and seeking help when needed.
If you've read some of my other posts or know me personally, you may have noticed I put a lot of pressure on myself and I've questioned whether it’s all worth it or not. Death is something we will all face eventually, but we are uncomfortable talking about it. So, we should enjoy our lives as much as we can because that’s what life is about. It’s your personal journey.
I think the big question is, what makes you happy?
(Depression) Part 1 can be read here.
Happy Thoughts!
-C